What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 00:15
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Will friendly dogs protect their owners?
I could never make a relationship work though!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Comes on , in middle age.
She married twice! .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do girls not like some guys at the university?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I said to her
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Can you turn 150 pages into a 5 minute presentation before a meeting?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Would this be the day?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i lived it daily.
She wouldn,t have been !
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
This is soul school!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I write beautiful poetry .
I don,t even have a pension.
She was in good health!
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She found it foreign!.
I was scared of men, in general
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So, i spoilt her more .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My family never makes their pension either.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Who then, do I blame.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
When she asked me how she looked .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I have no regrets .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
All the time i was locked up.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What did i know ?
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was seconnd youngest,
It was going to be , some day.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But, we were locked up after school.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im still living with it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He resisted the act ,that day.
As i do to all so called friends.?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But it wasn’t much.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I will be 64.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was 9 years of age.
Ive learnt so much.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One cannot live in the past .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She loved him until the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Put me off passion for life!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was very sick at this time too.
My life is so biszare .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I waited trembling.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I think the readers, may guess!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We were not on the streets..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He knew the spot.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We all went to grammer schools
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So whats the point in blame.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I couldn’t, believe it.